I am the Bat Man

Okay readers it’s once again time to regale you with another tale of the interesting things that happen here in Kenya.  Today’s topic, BATS.  Yes, the little winged animals that come out at night and fly around you looking like they will use your head for a landing pad.

They are actually quite useful creatures because they eat things like mosquitos, moths and my favorite LAKE FLIES- hallelujah!  However they are not so fun when they decide to invade your house. 

Our story starts with the fact that our roof used to have open eaves for ventilation.  Every bat west of Nairobi decided that the space between our roof and our ceiling was the perfect place to pass the day away until it was nighttime again.  We discovered them because unusual stains started appearing on our ceiling, and we knew it wasn’t from the rain.  Well, it was rain of a different sort.  All those bats had decided to let loose on our ceiling tiles. 

So we decided it was time to close off our eaves with cement.  We hoped this was the end of our bat problem and for the most part, it was.  However, there were still a few of the black creatures living above our heads.   Another inspection of our roof found that there were still tiny holes in the eaves where they were getting in.  I guess like any of us, they weren’t going to leave their home without a fight.   So we had Ezekiel spray some poison up into the holes and then we got the cement fundi (African slang for expert in a certain area) to close the gaps in the roof for good. 

This I guess was the first salvo in what we now call the Great Bat War.  Either we had trapped some bats in the roof space, or they decided to retaliate by coming through the front door when we weren’t looking, but we started seeing bats flying around our living room.  They would land on a wall then launch themselves at us with reckless abandon, dive bombing our heads missing us by inches. 

I am the man of the house.  Being such, it is my inherent duty to dispose of all bugs, rodents, and flying terrors.   This is how I came to be The Bat Man (you must say this in your best Michael Keaton voice).

So I dutifully chased these bats around the house flailing my arms and swatting at them with any object within reach, which according to the Discovery Channel, is the exact method for removing small, flying bug eating creatures from your living room.  This of course did not work.  So I developed what I call the trash can, flyswatter method.  Which means you wait for the bat to get tired and stop and rest, then you use the flyswatter to scoop him in the trash can whereby you quickly rush out the front door and release the little guy into the night free to go on his merry way, feeling good about yourself because you have done your manly duty and protected your family from a flying menace.  The only problem is that while you were taking the bat out the front door, two more of them were flying into the house!

Let me tell you bats are not dumb animals.  They grew hip to the trashcan flyswatter method of removal and decided to go into stealth mode, by which I mean they had a Star Trek Klingon cloaking device.  We have no idea how they got into the house they would just uncloak out of nowhere.  Hope would go into her room (They love Hope’s room for some reason) and one would be on her wall or on her mosquito net.  The other night I noticed our kitten, Topher, staring at the shower curtain in our bathroom.  Sure enough I heard the now familiar chittering sound and saw something black moving around or shower.  How he got into our bathroom I don’t know.   But I’ve gotten used to them and quickly trapped him in my trash can and took him outside.

The best story however took place a few Sunday’s ago.  Tracy and I woke up early to prepare for Sunday School.  What was the first thing we saw staring back at us from the top of our mosquito net? You guessed it, a bat.  Praise God he was on the outside of the net and not inside with us.  So I role out of bed to put on a pair of pants because I wasn’t about to take this thing outside in my underwear.  While I’m doing this the bat senses his imminent removal is coming so he flies and GOES INTO STEALTH MODE.  Our bedroom isn’t that big so there isn’t that many places to hide but I looked everywhere and could not find him.  After many minutes Tracy, who by this time had gone to the kitchen to start making breakfast, told me to give up and get ready for the kid’s arrival.  So I sat down on the edge of the bed and grabbed my shoe.  I put my foot inside and quickly realized my foot was not alone.   There was something in the shoe with it.  I threw the shoe down, screaming like a little girl, and sure enough our bat friend stumbled out.  I’m afraid the combination of my shoe’s odor and the fact that my foot had just crushed him proved too much for him.  He was quickly scooped up in the trash can and let free outside.

I’m glad to say that the bats and I have come to a truce in the Great Bat War.  They have given up the fight for our roof space and have quit the assault on our living room.   I believe the bats have found a new place to live and now my family can live in peace once again.  Wait what’s that chittering sound???